I feel BETTER!!!!!!

To quote Mad Mortigan from Willow....and excellent movie.

The Phoenix rises again......it has weathered the storm, it has found it self on board of the the Deck of the mighty ship Maiden's Grace, while the seas are not all calm, there is faith in the vessel to be sturdy enough to ride out the worst.

Fire.

Once a man found a flame sitting by a brook,
Hello little flame the man asked
Hello said the flame, pleased at finding company
Why do you sit here by the brook the man inquired
Because this is where many people come to drink

The man thought this odd, so he asked the flame
are you lonely little flame
with that the flame replied, I am good sir,
I had burned so bright and so fast
that I scared others and now I am here alone.

The man was nervous of the flame,
for it carried in its soul the same troubles he carried.
So he thought for a moment and then asked?
What is it I can do for you flame?

The Flame replied, will you give me fuel so I stay lit?
The man answered, I will keep you from burning out
The Flame continued, will you honor my light?
The man answered, I will make a place safe for you to shine
The Flame continued, will you help protect me from the water and the wind?
The man answered, I will build strong walls to block the wind, and sure floors to tame the waves
The Flame continued, will you respect my space and not smother me?
The man answered, I will give you a special place within my house for you and you alone
The Flame continued, will you be gentle with my touch, as it is known to burn
The man answered, I will respect your touch for all its warmth, I will never fear your burn

With that the Flame lept into the arms of the man, who carried it back to his house
where together they found that they both gained much from the other, Together the man's home was
Brighter, Warmer, and Happier.

The day a man helped a flame make a Fire and the Fire made the man a Home

Connections........

I am often felt a sort of connection with various mythological creatures/archetype, I suppose that's the nature of a person with an over-active imagination. But in these connections I have always found my strengths......

Passing fancies, have included, centaurs, griffons, hippogriffs, krakens, wyverns, and manticore

When I was younger it was Pegasus, the winged horse, he showed me spirit, beauty, and loyalty(I still have my stuffed Pegasus)

Next stage was multiple figures in Greek Mythology, amusingly enough I was always Zeus in the games we would play, I also became absorbed in reading about more mythological creatures, in this I learned of the Phoenix, the bird of rebirth, a creature based on Resurrection(this carried a lot of weight as I am Catholic)

As I got older I reached out farther to Dragons, Dragons gave me Strength and Power, I carried a banner with a silver dragon, that dragon guarded my sleep for my adolescent life. Like a Knight I wanted to carry the banner with Honor.

Also in my Adolescent was the first time I found pirates, from silly movies like the ice pirates to my massive Lego pirate ship, that I assembled when I hurt my back, with my best friend at the time Ryan Gast, pirates rode the undercurrent fantasies. (Ironically when I was little around 7 or 8 I was afraid of skeletons and I remember my father covering my eyes in the pirate's of the Caribbean ride at Disney world)

Those of you who know me that currently I have brought my love of pirates to the fore front, now Skulls exist in a majority of my decorations. I have also found myself thinking of the Phoenix, perhaps its with me getting to the point in my life where I have to "grow up" more, perhaps its with the going back to school, perhaps it is with new loves being explore, perhaps it is all of this, but alas I am being reborn.

"At every end there is a new beginning"

I leapt before I looked.....................................................

The fall is longer then I thought...........



..........................WTF was I thinking

Word of the Night.....Relax

Reading my previous entry and after a long talk with JE, and Scorny last night, I have come to the conclusion that I need to relax. Like a lot.

I really am not as much of a basket case as the site makes me out to be. Really I swear.

************************LUNCH INTERUPTION***********************

Wow.....JE called me at 11:30 right as I was starting on another blah-blah rant.....well she wanted to go to lunch, she was in the area. It was a more then pleasant surprise.....all I can say is wow......what a charming lunch......the words fail me, I wish I were a poet of old, who could speak with such fine grace, I can emulate them but only in the abstract, in the flesh I am as tongue tied as any other star-struck fool.

My world is so different the more I am with her, the softness of her lips, the beauty of her eyes, the gently breeze of her laughter, it is more then any mortal man should bare, for my blood to boil, and my heart to soar, dear God, have mercy on your servant, for in such precence how could one be found worthy?

What a wild ride this is.....Stopping now before I get really sappy.

Stop the world I want to get off...........

Life is like a roller coaster and it has never been truer then this weekend.(High, for high points, Low for low points, DOH!)

Wednesday Night
Went to class, then went to dinner party, celebrating the Lovely Melissa's birthday, by rumor she is 29, with a few extra "enriching years" for more beauty and poise. Like wine it never gets older it gets aged and better. (this is supposed to be a compliment, in case I totally bothced it)-HIGH

Went and saw the Harry Potter 3 movie with Dan and Amil, We were late so we missed the beginning, did get to see the first Dementor sighting (High and Low(movie was good I wanted a bit more from the book))
Thursday
Got up early and finished packing for Indianapolis, got to Fort Lauderday, visited with Matka(polish for mother(My dad's Mother) then went and picked up Memaw(nick name my cousin created for my Mom's Mom(the one going to indianapolis to see her sister)We got on the plane, before boarding I spoke with JE and she invited me to a dinner party at her friend Karins and Johns(HIGH).

Flight was fine I started reading Starship Troopers(a book very different from the movie, VERY DIFFERENT) Landing was a bit rough, Indianapolis was in a heat wave our visit so while it was cooler it wasn't that much cooler, and it rained everyday. But I like the rain. My great aunt, memaw's sister smoked....(LOW)...

Thurday through Sunday Morning
Spent time with family, will try to get some pictures up. Met cousins and aunts(all once or twice removed, heres a chart that might help). Ended up meeting my Great Aunt Telma who rememebered taking me to lowery park zoo when I was like 2-3, she was in a altimers ward (we she shouldn't be but they freaked out cause they found her outside one day, becuase they screwed up her medication) anyway, we went to lunch with her then arranged for her to be moved out of the ward, but we still had to leave her there when we left, she was upset at us having to go(First big hump of the coaster, great high, aweful low) then we visited some more relatives then came home, the flight back was fine (I managed to sleep some), the drive back was good, over the weekend I spent a great deal of time on the phone with JE(HIGH)

Sunday Night
Second Big hump on the coaster, went to dinner with JE and her son and her friends. Had a great meal, good visit, her friend John is a great guy, then back to her place for our extended talking sessions. Talk is good, I am very honest with how I am feeling, express some observations from other friends, she expresses she is worried about hurting me, I inform her I am not brittle. Somewhere in all of that we kissed, very nice, also in the midst I learned she has gone out with at least one other person since we started "dating". I am unsure. I want her to be with me, not anyone else, but I want her to be with me because she wants to be with me. SOOOOO while I don't like her being with someone else, I must accept that exploration?!? (if thats the right term) Even now I have overwheming sense of apprehension, and my flight instinct is kicking into high gear. But I have been regulated into a version of self-enlightenment, So heres the questions I can answer:
Do I like JE? Yes, Is she worth waiting for? Yes, Wouldn't I rather have her when she wants to be had? Yes, Don't I feel that anything worth having is worth fighting for? Yes, Is this different to me? Yes, Isn't this how I understand true strong relationships to be? Yes, Do I want to be someone she "settles" for? No, Do I wonder if she might be searching for the BBD? Yes, Do I wonder what short-comings I have that would make a BBD? Yes, Am I jealous of time others will get to spend with her? Yes, Is that normal? Yes?

Here are the ones I am not so sure:
Can I accept all of this? Can I accept that eventhough I might be everything that I can be and she might not love me in a way that I would like to be loved? Could I be loved anyother way?

As I said Highs and Lows, The Highs I feel out number the lows........what a great thing this life is....sure beats falling into Obolivia.

Lighter Note
Been stuck with a phrase in my head, "I am the guardian of the watchtower of the north" not sure excatly from where or why, but found some pegan referrences and then this Site made referrence to it invoking St. Michael the Archangel, to twist somethings further, The north watchtower would be the Earth, Taurus is an Earth Sign, While Leo is Fire.